What it feels like to disappoint a father is like this

How it starts is with the phone calls. You always feel some pressure matching the other side’s “But you are fine” on phone. You feel that disappointment. That ‘you have no right to complain’.

You meet him after eight months, and you realize you are not yet in love with the place you have been. You talk like shit and you sound like it. You sound damaged. You sound like you need a break. You feel guilty that you do not tell him that the land you have been comprises milk and honey. You did not expect it to, and so in a way you are fine that it is not. But he is not. He will ask you things like: “Why would anyone want to leave there for here?” He will stay quiet as you tell him the realities of being there. He will look ahead at the road, as he drives, seem a little too poised on his seat, refuse to face the realities that you have become comfortable with.

One day he will say: “We worked so hard to get this, and now you look at it like it is nothing.”

It will break you. You will run away from yourself and allow the tears to flow, but only in your imagination. He cannot see you sad. You will see why no one else tells of the land-you-have-been’s non-glitter. That accusatory tone, that feeling that he has been holding it back so long, that inability to explain to him that although you don’t speak of rainbows and candy, and although your life is not easy, that you are trying to fight your battles. Instead you come up with a weak: “I did not say that I think it is nothing.”

You live with that burden, that you have glass house problems, that a million people would die for the opportunity to be you, that you really have no right to complain.

You see it in his tantrums- his and his wife’s. You know those tantrums that are thrown out of love. You see it in the way they complain about your jeans, and about your tone, and about your time-keeping. You can tell they are honestly reacting to something else, and you kind of wish they would just throw that big tantrum—tell you what you already know—that you are unappreciative, that you are lazy, that you are a disappointment.

Wonder what that woman who gave you the opportunity to be where you are thought when she learnt of your unhappiness. She was probably disappointed in you too.

How it ends is like this: you run away. You cocoon. You give them that break they need from the disappointment that you are. You realize you owe the man who has been with you despite the sadness, despite the non-excitement, despite the not-totally-understanding-you, despite the sometimes assuming like everyone else that your life is perfect, you know you owe him, if nothing else, your sanity. You wait. If you have disappointed the man who has rooted for you all your life, continues to break his back for you, all you need to do is wait a little before you disappoint the one who has rooted for you a significant number of months. 

What it feels like to disappoint a father is like this: you write, and for once, writing does not make it better.

Advertisements

MY DAUGHTER: (There will be days like these). By Purity Sowayi.

image

My daughter,

“There will be days like these. On days like these, Take only what you can carry.

You will need to realise that you owe no one nothing, So apologise just enough. No more.

Sometimes Karma will be the answer to the questions you have been asking. Still, not all questions need to be answered. Some have been asked for generations and will continue to be asked for eternity. Some are better off unanswered. Some, you are better off answer-less. And some, are just not worth asking. Spend your thoughts wisely.
Karma never announces its arrival, brace yourself for the return of whatever you sent round. Accept it with grace, its the cycle of life.

You will have many opportunities to keep your mouth shut, take advantage of everyone of them. Words are something else… And life has a way of snaring you into your own traps. Life is not all black and white, sometimes the grays are the answer. Its okay to be on the black, or the white just as much, the gray. Its okay not to have an opinion on everything. Okay to sometimes sit on the fence. Wisdom is proud that it knows so little, knowledge, that it knows so much. Not all knowledge is worth acquiring. Knowledge maybe power, But power that cannot be harnessed is useless.

Do not plant a seed that you do not want to grow, because its in the nature of a seed to grow. This is a lesson you can only learn the hard way. There’ll be days you won’t be able to identify the lessons you should learn… Life is not an organized teacher. It will serve you well to realize that not all lessons are relevant, not all lessons are for you to learn, some are for others to learn. Either way, an experience will not go away until it teaches you the lesson it was intended to teach you____ be a fast learner. Or if you have long enough, sit back and wait. Afterall, all distance is walking distance if you have the time. And, good things come to those who wait?…

You cannot always win, sometimes you’ll have to let them win, or think they won. No, you do not need all victories. Not all victories are relevant. Not all battles are meant to be won, some are meant to be lost. Some are better off lost. Sometimes letting go is all the fighting you need to do. Do not gain the world at the expense of your soul.

You  cannot wake up the next day and stop loving someone, but someday you will wake up and you’ve stopped loving them. You will realize that love is not always all peaches and cream. Sometimes love is jealousy, and possession… Gut wrenching misery.

Letting-go issues are mostly uncool. Pray to your lucky stars that they skip the generation or better still that they’re not hereditary… You’ll have to learn to find closure from within.

Whoever finds closure finds a good thing.

On days like these, live each day at a time, just a single day, everyday. No more. Just a day. Do not sit and wait for those who hurt you to get hurt. Fate has a nasty sense of humour, Also, a watched pot simply never boils. But more especially, they may be blessings in disguise or bullets missed. Sometimes you have to trust the current, flow with it… Maybe the current knows something you dont.
But the surface must always remain calm, Even when its a raging storm inside. You must keep your sorrow where no one can see it.
At the end of the day, life goes on, time and tide wait for no man.

You can’t ‘fix’ everything. Some don’t want to get ‘fixed’. Do not carry with you a guilty conscience, learn to forgive you. Learn to let go of situations that have already let go of you.
You cannot break a friendship that never was. Cannot lose love that was never yours. Cannot betray trust that was never in existence. Do not fight battles that don’t intend to ever be won. Do not fight tears that won’t come. When people want to walk out, let them go…You can’t make homes out of human beings. Be gentle with yourself.

Let live. But most importantly, Live. We only get one life. Do not lose yourself. Do not let too much of the world inside you that you lose who you are. Be yourself, whatever you are. Be free, so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion. Afterall, Those who dance are thought to be insane by those who cannot hear the music.
There is beauty that purely lies in the eyes of the beholder, and beauty that can be subjected to opinion. Your beauty is with you, it most certainly has nothing to do with a beholder, neither an opinion. Beauty is vast, Beauty is infinite. No beauty is like another. Do not let anyone build walls around you. And more importantly, do not base your existence upon that which is only skin deep. In any case, it is not your responsibility to be beautiful, your existence is not about how desirable someone finds you.
Do not be afraid of new beginnings. You are a woman, you we’re made to build. It does not matter how unfamiliar the circumstance is. It is in your nature to build. Your hands will find their way, as many times as they will need to.
Only one of all your relationships will last, You will leave a part of you behind with every step you take. It will hurt. But a woman grows. You will grow. The pieces will grow back. Its upto you to make your scars beautiful. Your strength will fail you sometimes, but it will constistently suprise you. You’ll be surprised when you look back, at all the mountains that moved.
Not everyone will appreciate you. Some will see the queen in you, some will see space. You are not responsible for anybody’s sense of sight. You are only responsible for your own sight. Invest deeply in how you see. Belong deeply to yourself.
At the end of the day we all collect a jar of hearts. Be sure to make yours a King’s collection. When you look back you’ll be proud even of your failures.

Take kindly the counsel of the years. Gracefully surrendering the things of childhood, teenage….youth… You cannot compete with time. Cannot fight age. Celebrate your years. Let no one despise your youth. Embrace each level of beauty. Let yourself grow… Maturity is beauty in itself.”

Credit:
Quotes by;
Warsan Shire
Clementine Von Radics
Desiderata.
Image: Internet.

More of Sowayi’s pieces can be found at:
https://okasungorasaidwithswag.wordpress.com/2012/12/22/moonsetby-purity-sowayi/

https://okasungorasaidwithswag.wordpress.com/2012/12/08/daughter-of-mine-by-purity-sowayi/

https://okasungorasaidwithswag.wordpress.com/2013/02/26/they-followed-me-home-by-purity-sowayi/